In this landscape of space we live in, it never ceases to
amaze me how angry some people get, especially when having a conversation about
a polarizing topic, such as politics. Personally, I have taken to refusing any
conversation that involves a polarizing subject matter. This frees me to
concentrate on heady issues that are not laden with anger and vitriol, but
instead I can be positive through and through. The results are remarkable for
my very being as I have noticed a sincere change in my temperament.
Beyond getting angry in conversations, humans tend to get
angry in a lot of high friction situations, including driving, shopping in
crowded locations, attending crowded events and attending sporting events. In
each case listed, there is a task involved that induces a type of situational
stress. Some handle that stress well and others not so well. Typically
speaking, it comes down to a position or more specifically; an opinion.
Opinions are seemingly all too often tied to emotions and while this might seem
natural, having an opinion about something should not lead one’s blood pressure
to rise rapidly, as is often the case.
For instance, if someone asked you your opinion on coffee
and which brand you like and why, you might offer some sound advice based on your
experiences and knowledge of coffee. An opinion like that is typically devoid
of any emotion with the exception of possibly the emotion of pleasure (or
displeasure) as you describe your favorite (or least favorite) coffee. At best,
the emotion is simply not there. At worst, you may exhibit an over-reaching
opinion that went beyond what you were being asked about as you got excited
about something you really like or dislike. Ultimately, any conversation like
that can be had without much trouble. There are a bevy of topics that one can
discuss in a similar manner and we would do well to take mental notes as to how
we interact with such conversations.
Unfortunately, there are also a few topics that when they
come up, cause heart rates to rise immediately. There is absolutely nothing
healthy about such conversations and yet we find ourselves drawn into them from
time to time, sometimes without want. The trick is learning to pull away from
them as gracefully as possible, because in the end, no one is going to remember
you for how eloquently you argued for or against the color of dominoes (or
whatever useless topic you get sucked into). Life is simply too short to get
entwined in angry chats about things that people vehemently hate but have
absolutely no understanding of how to truly fix. This is not to say there are
no good ideas out there about how to solve a lot of what is wrong with our
current society, but it more comes down to proper implementation and follow
through, something the average citizen has no clue about. This is not to
suggest that we as a populace should not be educated about our world, but
instead we need to come at arguments armed with solutions, not just stones to
throw.
This comes down to intent. I’ve written about it before for
other reasons but this is a little different. Intentionality is more than just
why, or why not; being intentional reveals not only who you are but also what
you think about others. When we drag someone else into a conversation involving
a toxic subject, we make certain assumptions and jump to conclusions. The first
assumption is they want to be involved in this discussion. The second is we overvalue our own
opinions. We conclude it’s because we enjoy a good argument. And lastly, we
seek to validate our position, usually from the perspective of being heard that
we are right. For some of us, we might read that and think; what’s wrong
with any of that? Your intentions are what speak the loudest and they give away
the position of your heart. Conversations are either constructive or
destructive in nature and our words will decide which direction we take.
Simply put, you can decide the direction of any given
conversation based on what guides you. If your ego is central, your
conversations will be guided by what you want and you will find yourself in
discussion after discussion involving hollow content (that which does not build
up). If instead you value others as much as you value yourself, you may find
yourself listening more and responding less. You will avoid baseless chats
unless they provide a spring board to a more valuable conversation. And
valuable conversations are what we want!
The signs of a healthy discussion should be obvious by now,
but just in case there are questions, let’s list them out. The words you use should
be for building up and not tearing down; of anyone or anything. Opinions are OK
but not if they are used as weapons or ultimatums. Your opinion matters, just
try and remember that other people have an opinion too and it might differ
drastically from yours; this does not make them ignorant. Everyone deserves to
be heard because when we invite as many diverging ideas and opinions to the
discussion, we learn not only what other thoughts exist on a given topic, but
we become more aware of how and why people think the way they do.
All of this is not to suggest that we cannot have a heated
debate because in reality, healthy arguments do exist but they tend to be rare.
The reasons for this are quite simple and will always boil down to two things;
intent, which we have already discussed and respect, which has been alluded to.
It is quite possible to have an ardent debate with one or more people without
it leading to a fight. In order for that to be possible, we must learn to
respect each other first.
If we can reach the point of respecting each other we can
erase most of the anger from conversations and begin to truly arrive at
solutions to our woes instead of creating more troubles because of our
fighting. It’s a noble thought indeed, but I suppose, it’s only an opinion.
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