Have you ever felt small? You know, insignificant, or next to nothing; worthless almost, but maybe not that bad. The moments in my life where I have felt that way can be counted on one hand, probably using two fingers. Maybe I have been fortunate, who knows, but whatever the case I have never really felt that way until recently.
I am embarking on something new in my life. My family and I are apart of a new church plant and while it is exciting it has also been enormously humbling, especially of late. Initially when I felt the call to be apart of this new plant I believed I would play a large part; have a large role. While at the last church we attended I was very active and so my natural assumption was that I would play an even bigger part in something so small and intimate. It not only made sense but it seemed to be assumed by not only me but others as well.
But that just hasn't been the case.
For the past couple of weeks I have found myself to be resentful. Not of anyone person but of the entire process that I find myself in. I have taken to praying a lot, not just for this new church but even just for me and that I am where God wants me to be for His purpose. I'm being careful with that last sentence because I don't want to play the martyr either; God needs workers, not crybabies. But even as I write that I can't help but feel offended and slightly hurt over what I thought would be this big move for me.
But that's it isn't it? It's not about me. It never was.
Tonight while everyone was eating following our service I was directed to James 1 which I have been studying at home. I had already read chapter 1 but here I was again re-reading the chapter and there was verse three staring at me: "So don't try to get out of anything prematurely." What caught me off guard was how quick I was in thinking that I could simply back into some place of mediocrity since I hadn't gotten my way. But here was this verse saying, don't you dare. Then I thought about it a bit more and what hit me the hardest was Jesus' words telling me that "Whoever wants to be first, must be last". And just like that I remembered what He had put on my heart just a few years earlier and that is to be His servant.
So the wheels spun a little more and it occurred to me that while I have taken a backseat of sorts to this point, there are a few others who would have normally disappeared into anonymity, but are instead being used in a mighty way. This really hit me hard. God most certainly has plans for me but as usual, I am trying to insert my own plans in place, and it's not working out real well.
And so I find myself humbled. And it's a challenge.
But James says to count my challenges as joy. James was a funny guy.
So while it feels like I'm not really serving, God is using this time to temper me and to teach me about being humble. He is teaching me about my pride and that I do not need it to serve Him. He is teaching me that I need to get out of the way so that He can work in my life.
He is teaching me that I am small. And He is great.
And for that, I am eternally thankful.
I am embarking on something new in my life. My family and I are apart of a new church plant and while it is exciting it has also been enormously humbling, especially of late. Initially when I felt the call to be apart of this new plant I believed I would play a large part; have a large role. While at the last church we attended I was very active and so my natural assumption was that I would play an even bigger part in something so small and intimate. It not only made sense but it seemed to be assumed by not only me but others as well.
But that just hasn't been the case.
For the past couple of weeks I have found myself to be resentful. Not of anyone person but of the entire process that I find myself in. I have taken to praying a lot, not just for this new church but even just for me and that I am where God wants me to be for His purpose. I'm being careful with that last sentence because I don't want to play the martyr either; God needs workers, not crybabies. But even as I write that I can't help but feel offended and slightly hurt over what I thought would be this big move for me.
But that's it isn't it? It's not about me. It never was.
Tonight while everyone was eating following our service I was directed to James 1 which I have been studying at home. I had already read chapter 1 but here I was again re-reading the chapter and there was verse three staring at me: "So don't try to get out of anything prematurely." What caught me off guard was how quick I was in thinking that I could simply back into some place of mediocrity since I hadn't gotten my way. But here was this verse saying, don't you dare. Then I thought about it a bit more and what hit me the hardest was Jesus' words telling me that "Whoever wants to be first, must be last". And just like that I remembered what He had put on my heart just a few years earlier and that is to be His servant.
So the wheels spun a little more and it occurred to me that while I have taken a backseat of sorts to this point, there are a few others who would have normally disappeared into anonymity, but are instead being used in a mighty way. This really hit me hard. God most certainly has plans for me but as usual, I am trying to insert my own plans in place, and it's not working out real well.
And so I find myself humbled. And it's a challenge.
But James says to count my challenges as joy. James was a funny guy.
So while it feels like I'm not really serving, God is using this time to temper me and to teach me about being humble. He is teaching me about my pride and that I do not need it to serve Him. He is teaching me that I need to get out of the way so that He can work in my life.
He is teaching me that I am small. And He is great.
And for that, I am eternally thankful.
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My life is not mine, and yet it is mine to live for Him. Peace to you all.
My life is not mine, and yet it is mine to live for Him. Peace to you all.
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