Thursday, January 9, 2014

Bring on the new year, I dare you!

Happy new year everyone! I love the newness that is ushered each January and the sudden desire to make serious changes in our lives, as if January has some sort of magical power to help you succeed better than December ever did. And if January is so special, why is it that by the end of June, nearly 80% of people nationwide have already given up on their goals for change?

It’s time to admit that your new years resolution was a bust from the word go. Just man up (or woman up, either way) and be done with it, you never follow through on resolutions anyway. Remember that one year you swore up and down you were going to go back to college and learn a foreign language? You never even enrolled. Remember that other time when you told everyone you were done with fast food and committed to eating healthier? You got caught in the drive through the very next day. Or how about your epic couch to 5K plan, remember that one? You did make it around the couch twice, I’ll give you that.

I think resolutions would be a lot more fun if we turned them into dares. For example, I would love to hear someone say that they planned to lose 50 pounds and then I could say something like, ‘that sounds great, but if you don’t, you have to shave your head leaving only a Mohawk and then we’re dyeing it pink’. Another good example would be an individual who resolves to stop swearing and instead use more intelligible words. I would help hold them accountable by using neon orange spray paint on their tongue after every inappropriate word. That would be fun.

If you don’t make that 5K by the end of November, I’m taking away your car and giving you a tricycle and a red clown afro wig. No more junk food? Slip up and it’ll be rice cakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner for 3 months. You get to live like a monk! (I don’t know if this is true or not, but I like to believe that monks exist on a diet of rice cakes alone). Trying to quit smoking? This is seriously not going to end well for your car.

I say we simply stop calling them resolutions and instead refer to them as double dog dares with inventive consequences. It would certainly make people think twice before making one and there would actually be some skin in the game instead of too many hollow threats. I’m also thinking this would make for excellent funny video material, which I love by the way. You know, people making complete fools of themselves as they epically fail. Good stuff.

Don’t get me wrong though, it’s not that I don’t believe in you. I would love to see you succeed in your goals for this coming year and if you let me, I might even help if I can (I’ll be the guy with the video camera). The truth is, there is something very gratifying about reaching a goal and then maintaining whatever that goal is; it is indeed a massive confidence builder.

However, if you fail, your name is going on the water tower…you’ve been warned.

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