Tuesday, May 6, 2008

missing pieces

Explaining the holes takes some work, especially when I am trying to explain it to myself. There are these strange gaps in my life, as if I had the ability to erase parts of a tape, or possibly they were taped over by something more significant or more recent. Somehow I have taken part in so many little things that it is hard to look back and tie it all together.

There are certainly major accomplishments and events that can most likely never be forgotten, but there are all these less than epic moments that seem to get lost in the space between then and now. Recalling them is intense but mostly impossible. Surely there are important pieces that are never retrieved, never remembered.

For instance, there is a large chunk of my 20’s that is missing from my memory banks. Knowing the insane amount of alcohol that was consumed back then it is really no wonder why but it is really disheartening. I know that certain parts are less desirable that they be remembered but there are times I wish I could recall, at least in more vivid detail than the fog I have now.

I know a lot of people who share this. There are a lot of folks who have some serious holes. Mine are really not that unique, they are just mine. The hard part as I mentioned before is explaining them. My reasoning for an explanation is to draw them more clearly in my mind. It’s the details I want, not just the pretty pictures. There are raw emotions involved that need to be harnessed and then tapped for future use.

I feel like a mess, regardless of the outward appearance. My mind continues to sharpen itself daily and is an amazing tool. However my mind is also doing an incredible job of covering up for some other pieces of me.

Sooner rather than later the rubber hits the road, so to speak. In my case the rubber has planted itself firmly upon the road with no intention of ever leaving again. The place I come in is as the guy who gets to mark where the lines go, and so far I have been able to avoid the traffic. Metaphors are great by the way, everyone should use them.

I have very carefully worked myself into a place where no one can get to me unless I let them. I have put distance between, time included. Conversations have been limited. Relationships have been kept at much more than an arm’s length. No one gets in. The walls are up and they are getting higher and thicker by the day. And yet the inevitable has happened, my plan is being circumvented by something bigger then me. And it isn’t the first time.

The holes are probably going to always be there, but explanations will come a lot easier if I would just stop stonewalling. I suppose my biggest wish is that there was someone on the other side of this that was intuitive enough to decipher this and then talk to me about it, but I know there is no one at this point. There is too much fog.

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