Learning

Moving in new directions requires change. For most of us, we regard change as scary and recognize how we will have to adapt to whatever the change is. Adjusting to change is prickly and it hurts. Things are no longer as they were.

As we age, we experience new things. We all change to some degree or another. Some of us choose to remain a certain way, based on our thoughts, our actions, our opinions, our decisions, our speech, our behaviors, and so on. Depending on your sphere of influence, you may remain the same because those around you remain the same. This happens in tight knit cultures and communities. In more open societies, where parents move around and kids are forced to make changes to their surroundings, their friends, their schools, their very way of lives, we see how change affects those thoughts, actions, opinions, decisions, and so on.

An outside influence can be very powerful for most people and is often the primary reason why change happens, even when we might not want it. When a job change happens unexpectedly, for whatever reason, it brings a change to the people you have around you. You begin to hear different voices, who have different opinions and live differently than the host of people you were surrounded by in your last job. The same can be said when you move, or change schools, or churches.

Another shift happens when you choose to make a major life change, such as quitting a harmful addiction. You may find yourself around a new group of people because you can’t be around those who fed your addiction. This is a part of the recovery process and is typically very healthy for maintaining the change you are making. But this also comes with its bevy of issues, because this new set of people also have their own behaviors and opinions and such. Their speech patterns and characteristics are different than what you have been used to so you must adapt. But you must also make new choices about what you choose to see, what you allow yourself to be controlled by, how you react, and so forth.

When I was younger, I remember reading a series of books that were known as “choose your own adventure”. The series was fascinating because throughout the book there were points where you had to make a choice that was to affect the outcome of the story. I loved this concept and read as many of the books as I could get my hands on. I even remember wanting to write my own! The idea hearkens from our own lives, where we have a set of choices to make each day. Those choices determine an outcome, and sometimes it’s not good. Each of us has made a bad choice or two, and had to live with the consequences. As we go through life, and change becomes a part of who we are and what we face, we must also recognize our own culpability in the change that takes place. The choices we make affect the changes that often occur. The choices of others have an affect on us, and likewise, the choices we make have an affect on others. This will always be true. We call this the ripple effect.

Currently, I am witnessing the outcome of decisions I have made in the past year. My decision to walk away from being a pastor is still being felt and it is having an impact on others. The decision to move towards being a competitive ultra runner is having a massive impact on others. The changes that are being wrought through these decisions are bringing change for people around me, not just me. These changes are not always easy to deal with and are often regarded as inconvenient and difficult. I am being impacted by those who desire certain things and decisions from me, regardless of my opinions. Each new place I walk into has new faces with new agendas and perspectives, it can all be very overwhelming. And yet through all of this, I am learning.

One thing for certain is people have weird expectations. I chose to use the word weird because I’m also trying not to piss everyone off. But in all honesty, the expectations of others often bring chaos to a situation when none was warranted. If you are a parent and you have an expectation that your child will wipe his butt after going to the bathroom, you probably have a right to be a little angry about massive skid stains when it’s time to do laundry. That might be a graphic example but I like to make it obvious. There are a lot of people in my life who, for whatever reason, have decided that they have some reasonable right to expect me to be something they want. If I had not witnessed it so glaringly in this last year it would be pure speculation, but this is blatant, much like my example above, and stinks just as much. Expectations are not always bad, but they tend to be best served when they are broadcast and everyone knows what they are. Instead, there are those who harbor expectations without sharing them and then decide you need to know them after you’ve made a decision that does not align with their irrationality. Once again, this stinks.

The struggle becomes more than real when relationships are tarnished in the process. What was something that could be counted on becomes something that is suspect, because privately held agendas are dangerous. And while change is difficult for some, it is extremely difficult for those who place hidden agendas and purpose upon certain individuals, only to realize that a person is not a commodity and is subject to change. One thing I am learning through this is who to trust and who to respect as a threat to my well-being. There are lots of well-meaning people out there who seem to want the best for you, but when you zig instead of zag, you must realize that your decision may have an insane impact upon them. Without question, this all brings up the necessity of communication, both spoken and written. Yet isn’t that a shame? It seems shameful to me that we can no longer trust someone because of their expectations of us, even if we simply tell them our plans. A true friend will support you in your plans and warn you if they seem crazy. But a true friend will not get upset at you because you didn’t do what they wanted you to do for yourself. That might seem like a real tongue twister, but it’s true.

In a deeper search for who I am, I have recently discovered some new things about myself. I have been sharing them with a few select individuals. In some cases, I have found unlimited support, but in others I have found disappointment; not for what I am doing, but for what I am not doing, which is what they would have me do. That hurts. A lot. But I’m still learning.